Wednesday, 6 January 2010

101 Things To Do With Smoked Salmon

So while I was at my grandparents, my grandma mentioned that she was having the neighbours over for dinner, and that she had some smoked salmon, and asked us what she could do with it. I spent the next hour or so coming up with ideas, and decided to publish some of them.

1) Stuffed Bananas

You Will Need:
Smoked Salmon
Soft Cheese (eg. Philadelphia)

1) Peel the bananas. Throw away the fruit.
2) Blend the salmon in a blender and mix with the cheese.
3) Fill the banana-skins with this mix.

2) Fireball Fish

You Will Need:
Smoked Salmon

1) Mix the two in a bowl.
2) Set the vodka on fire.

3) Quality Avenue

You Will Need:
Milk, Plain, Dark and White Chocolate
Smoked Salmon
Haribo Cola Bottles
White Grapes

1) Cook the sausages and slice into pieces.
2) Peel and slice the bananas.
3) Melt the four types of chocolate in four bowls.
4) Dip the cola bottles in the plain chocolate.
5) Mix the plain chocolate with the mustard.
6) Dip the sausage pieces into this mix.
7) Dip the smoked salmon into the dark chocolate.
8) Dip the banana slices into the milk chocolate.
9) Dip the white grapes into the white chocolate.
10) Pour the remainder of the chocolate into an icecube tray.
11) Once the chocolate has set, wrap each chocolate in a piece of coloured foil (orange for salmon, yellow for banana, green for grape, blue for chocolate, red for sausage, and purple for cola bottle).

4) Porcupine Salmon Rodeo

You Will Need:
Smoked Salmon
A Porcupine
A Stick

1) Place a blob of blu-tak on each corner of your table, and stick a toothpick into each.
2) Tie string between the toothpicks, so that an enclosed area is formed.
3) Wash the porcupine and place pieces of salmon on its quills.
4) Place the porcupine in the enclosed area and poke with stick.

Note: Your guests are meant to catch bits of salmon off the trapped, enraged porcupine with a fork or a chopstick.

I'll include one of these with every blog post (I will reach 101...) and if you try making any of these... well good luck.

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Fuck The Stupid Plants, Just Find A Boat And Go To The Isle Of Wight, Because Even If You Stop The Bloody Triffids Almost Every1 Is Still Going To Die

Merry Christmas!

So as I mentioned, I spent most of the last six days at my grandparent's place, except for Christmas day, which I spent at my uncle's. I don't have much to say about it, except this: Doctor Who. I'll admit it was a little slow, but the ending was EPIC, and this Friday's episode should be even Epicer.

Now, the main part of this post is based on the title, 'Fuck The Stupid Plants, Just Find A Boat And Go To The Isle Of Wight, Because Even If You Stop The Bloody Triffids Almost Every1 Is Still Going To Die'. (The 1 is because the title in letters is two characters too long. Grrr.) I'm talking about Day Of The Triffids, a programme in which most of the world's population is blinded by massive amounts of radioactive plasma hurled towards the planet from the Sun, and the main character spends most of it brooding about some pretty plants called triffids. Yes, unlike in the book these triffids are pretty awesome, but there are bigger problems, such as a) the fact that even without the triffids, almost all of the blinded are going to die, and b) THE MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF RADIOACTIVE PLASMA HURLED TOWARDS THE PLANET BY THE SUN! Apparently we shouldn't be worried by this... but it will be dangerous to satellites. These people need to get their bloody facts straight.

All of this is assuming all ten million man-eating (in the loosest sense of the word; they leave almost all of the meat on the people they kill) got out. Twenty thousand were let out, sure, but as for the rest, they're behind big metal doors, which're gonna be locked even after the generators run out.

Okay, that's most of my frustration out, but I'll be writing another entry during the second half, today.

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Album Songs

So as I mentioned previously, I'm in a band called Pulse. The schtick of Pulse is this: we don't use instruments. I do main vocals and Chahak does backing vocals, Parsa beatboxes and James makes bass guitar noises. It's more than just a gimmick though, because we actually sound quite good. I write most of our songs, and they're not exactly... serious. We've had Shoot It, which satirized terrorists, Feel It, which tells the story of an extremely unlucky person, Always Right Behind You, which is about a stalker, and Very Merry Christmas, which talks about terrible dinners, drunk siblings, and implies that Santa Claus is a pedophile. I've also started on Letter To Madison, which is about a dead girl, and Walk On By, which is about a girl getting pregnant in an old house, among others. We have no serious music.

I'm also in a project at school called Young Enterprise, in which we have to run a business for a year, and one of our potential products is a CD containing music from four school bands - Pulse, the wonderful Superficial, the amazing Glorytheory, and the slightly above average Dynomite. Now for this CD, we need three original songs, and we've been planning to do Always Right Behind You, Very Merry Christmas, and another as of yet unwritten song.

However, today I was reading the blog of the great Alex Day, talking about his upcoming album, and it hit me: The amusing, sarcastic and shocking lyrics of our songs may be great when we perform live, but on a CD, listening to it repeatedly, the original shock is lost, and all that remains is the song itself.
Always Right Behind You is a good song. Very Merry Christmas, not so much.

So I've decided: from now on, I write for the music first and the shock second, and furthermore, the album will feature at least one serious song. Thanks for reading.

Sunday, 20 December 2009

C'est La Vie

Hi! Thanks to a certain friend of mine whose name I shall not mention, (_i__-_e_), I've been inspired to reboot my failing unread uninteresting little blog. Hurrah!

To be honest, I know very little of what I'm going to write here. I hope it's good.

OK, looking at my old blog posts, I have... child spies, my new hat, being trapped on a desert island, chain mail, two pitifully small real-life updates, a rant, a tiny lil thing on racism and sexism, links to two games, another blog and eight webcomics, mocking a charity's advert, and feckin' fajitas. So me. That's probably a good place to start.

So, I'm Curtis, I'm 14, I'm an Atheist, and I live in Harrow, Greater London, United Kingdom, Europe, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way, The Universe, etc. I like Doctor Who, acting, eating, reading, music, video games and a certain person whose name I shall not mention (__a___l_). I go to Rooks Heath High School, where I perform music with my band, Pulse.

Oh yeah, and I fail at finishing things. Both my webcomics failed, as well as this blog for a while and countless other things I've done. New things are happening in my mind webcomic-wise, though - watch this space.

Okay, I have nothing else to say now, but I WILL update again, OK?

Oh, and this is probably a very bad time to reboot, as I will soon be going to my grandparent's house for nearly a week (for Christmas). C'est la vie.

Monday, 11 May 2009

A Thought

CHERUB. Alex Ryder. Spy Kids. If a government somewhere IS using child spies, they might be less useful now that so many write about them.

There should be a bigger post around the 25th.

Saturday, 2 May 2009

New Hat

I got a new hat today. I like my new hat. It's a sunhat, and it's RED. Redredredredred!

That is all.

Sunday, 26 April 2009

An Island With A Computer

Picture this - You're stuck on a desert island, with nothing but food, clean water, and a state-of-the-art computer. This computer has power (Theoretical Problems - Because who needs logic anyway?) and a net connection, but cannot access the net via a browser of any sort. All you have are three games. These three games have to keep you sane for several years. What do you take?

1. Empires: Total War - I haven't played this, and only play Rome in short bursts because of my computer's infuriating slowness, but I reckon I could rack up lots of hours with this.

2. Unreal Tournament - Never played this, but it sounds like fun. And it has a level editor.

3. Fallout - Never played this (can you see a pattern here? If not, seek help) but it sounds like there's a lot to do.

This was especially difficult for me, since I hardly ever PC game. So I offer a counter-question: same island, but lose the games. Instead, you can access the internet - but only five websites. Everyone else is blocked. What do you use?

1. - I can talk to you guys, make my webcomic, read other blogs - it's all good.

2. - Between the forums and the webcomic, this one has me sold. But the forums go down quite often. I'm sad about this.

3. - This guy has seventeen blog categories, and I read on there he writes 2-3 entries per day. Could binge on the categories I haven't read, and then suckle on the new posts.

4. - Because you need games AND contact with other people.

5. - Just because.

There are several other websites I could have put on here. The BBC would have been nice. I read a lot of webcomics. would have given me another way to entertain myself.

But this all begs the question: What if the computer breaks?

Sunday, 29 March 2009

The Oskers

Something has occured to me. This is an all-purpose blog, and yet I say nothing about my life. I intend to remedy that.

Last Saturday marked the end of my first term at Stagecoach Harrow, and our big performance, a play entitled "The Oskers", making fun of the Oscars.It went reasonably well, apart from one small problem at the end. I didn't win a student award, wasn't even nominated, but still it WAS my first term.

That's my life. It's quite dull to read.

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Scripts & Chains

On the 1st of April (I kid you not), Script Frenzy begins. Basically, you have to write a 100 page script in 30 days. So go to and sign up!

I know I talked about chain mail in my rant, but it's a subject that really bothers me. One part in particular is particularly unbelievable.

>> CASE 1: Kelly Sedey Had One Wish,
>> for her boyfriend of three years,
>> David Marsden, to propose to her.
>> Then one day when she was out to lunch David proposed!
>> She accepted, but then had to leave because she had a meeting in 20 min.!!!
>> When she got to her office,she noticed on her computer she had some e-mail's.
>> She checked it, the usual stuff...
>> from her friends, but then she saw that she had never gotten before.
>> It was this poem. She simply deleted it without even reading all of it.
>> BIG MISTAKE! Later that evening,she received a phone call from the police
>> It was about DAVID! He had been in an accident with an 18 wheeler. He didn't survive!
>> CASE 2: Take Katie Robinson She received this poem and being the believer that she was she sent it to a few of her friends but didn't have enough e-mail addresses to send out the full 10 that you must.
>> Three days later, Katie went to a masquerade ball.
>> Later that night when she left to get to her car,she was killed in that spot by a...
>> hit-and-run drunk driver.
>> CASE 3: Richard S. Willis sent this poem out within 45 minutes of reading it.
>> Not even 4 hours later walking along the street to his new jobinterview with a really big company,when he ran into Cynthia Bell,(hissecret love for 5 years.) Cynthia came up to him and told him of herpassionate crush on him that she had had for 2 years.
>> Three days later, he proposed to her and they got married.
>> Cynthia and Richard are still married with three children, happy as ever!

So, case 1 deleted the e-mail, and then her fiancé was killed... so she undeleted the e-mail and sent it off? And case 2 was killed then... resent it with her story attached? While dead. And case 3 sent off the email again? I mean come on, people.

Saturday, 21 March 2009

No Weddings and a Funeral

So yeah, I've been away again. I went to Brighton with my family for my great aunt's funeral. She had a long life though, she lived to 85, but it's still sad.

"Time is too slow for those who wait,

Too swift for those who fear,

Too long for those who grieve,

Too short for those who rejoice,

But for those who love, time is eternity"

Wednesday, 11 March 2009


I'm back people. If you didn't notice I was gone, shame on you. First my internet connection goes down for several days, I've had real-world and online distractions, and for some reason I couldn't get onto this website. So I'm lacking here, I'm behind on my webcomic, and my email inbox is full of chainmail. Do you hate chain mail? I hate chain mail. It's complete and utter bullcrap, and yet people still feel obliged to pass it on to you and several other people, who then all pass it on to you AGAIN. And again. And again. And some try to get around this by instead spreading "Important Information" which isn't actually true. Take the 9/11 "11" theory. Had about 11 sets of numbers relating to 9/11 which added up to 11, picked out of hundreds of possible ones that didn't, and some of the ones that did weren't even true. Then, it had passage 9:11 from the Qu'ran, except it wasn't. Then, the number of one of the planes which, when put into wingdings, came out as a plane, two towers, a skull & crossbones and the star of David, except again, that wasn't the number of either plane. Complete bullcrap.

And that is how I rant.

Monday, 2 March 2009

Anti-Sexism and Anti-Racism

First off, I have a comment! Thank you, Anna.

Anyway, there are some subjects that can cause controversy, one of which is sexism. A company operating for or exclusively hiring men would probably get sued/shut down/attacked. And yet, something which has bothered me for a while is that at least two such companies exist for women, and probably many more I don't know about. Likewise, with religon, if I make a comment about a religon, any comment, some people would call me a racist, yet will freely (if jokingly) insult me for my Atheism.


Sunday, 1 March 2009

The Almost Daily Exploits Of Someone Else

No-one reads this blog. I have 0 comments and 0 subscribers. And yet, I feel a moral obligation to write. Curious.

There are three semiposts in my head, which I can hopefully get out soon. For now though, I'm stuck with this small post. I can direct you to a good blog though, "The Almost Daily Exploits Of Me", written by Anna F. Read it. It's good.

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

First Day Back

First day back at school today (as the post name would suggest). Remarkably unremarkable. Crap.

Still, a friend directed me here. Expect a full-blown rant tomorrow.

This really is tiny. My life is really dull right now.

Monday, 23 February 2009


Woo! Tonight I dined on fajitas. I love fajitas. Do you like fajitas? FAJITA!

My posts so far have been fairly short, in my opinion. Half term break - the archenemy of interesting. Hell, I'm only posting this because I haven't made any posts for a few days. Still, I go back tomorrow. Stay tuned!


Saturday, 21 February 2009

Comics (Again)

Right, this is my second post about comics, but you don't mind, do you? Do you? Do you?

Anyway, I've found something slightly odd about my comics (very, very slightly). I made a statement in an earlier post that I am half vampire, half elf, half monkey and half axe-wielding psychopath. Half vampire, half elf, half monkey and half axe-wielding psychopath. (Yes I know I linked to my own comic, but I don't read any other monkey comics.)

OK that wasn't interesting at all. Click here for interesting, if you like.

I really don't have anything else to say right now, but there are 8 great comics, with a combined total of 3061 strips (correct when this was written), so get reading!

Friday, 20 February 2009

Of Comics and Charities

Hi, loyal readers (if and when you exist). Firstly, i've had a cunning idea. I've had the ideas for my webcomic for a while now, but nowhere to put it. So why not start up a comic blog? Then if I get readers of my blog they can move to my comic, and anyone finding my comic here can move to my blog! The comic blog is here.

Secondly, there is an advert on the television which always makes me smile. It's an advert for Care International, and I know this shouldn't seem funny, but it just does. It's beginning is pretty standard, an image of a sad African child, with a standard voiceover (you know the type: "Lanya here has to walk 5 miles to get clean fresh water," etc.), but then it adds the fateful words "Who cares enough to help her?" Nothing wrong with this, I hear you cry, and there isn't, but then up on the screen, in big white letters, come the words "Who Cares?". It's sad, almost.

Well, it's a bit longer then the last one, I think. Oh well.

Thursday, 19 February 2009

So Yeah

So yeah. I've decided to start my own blog (because I have nothing better to do, apparently). So, people of the web, you are blessed (cursed?) with my presence.

Anyway, something to talk about... I've discovered something fairly interesting on my trawls of the web. This tabletop game system, which, among other details features rules for bleeding (mmm... blood (I'm half vampire, apparently*)) and allows you to smash someones head in with a sledgehammer.

Good times.

The quick rules are interesting; I haven't got the book yet, but I might. It has potential, I think.

This is... pathetically short. Next time I'll do better. Sorry.

*So now I'm half vampire, half elf, half monkey and half axe-wieldng psychopath. That's 200% me. As if 100% me wasn't enough.